“Being strong, not giving up, it was just his place to hide. He pushed away from the pain so hard he disconnected himself from the person he loved most. Sometimes when you win, you lose." - Chris Nielsen
My depression grew deeper and deeper because I kept digging. The work I had put into my denial and avoidance kept me going further than I ever realized. The things that mattered in my life started to lose importance and the people who were anchors for me weren’t able to help keep me in a healthy place anymore.
Many people have difficulty understanding where or how depression takes the turn from just depression to suicidal depression. This is how it felt for me:
Everything in your life is in a mirror. In the beginning, the mirror is clean and you can see everything. All your family, friends, hobbies, interests... they're all there in the mirror. As your mental health deteriorates, your depression is like steam and your mirror begins to fog. We can still make out shapes or features but things are blurred. We wipe the mirror and things are clear again (the wiping is our attempt to get better through therapy, hobbies, etc.) but then the steam creeps back in. So we go through the back and forth of steamed up, wipe, steam, wipe, steam, wipe. After enough wiping, you get tired but you’ll keep wiping. Time and wiping cumulate and there comes a point when you have had enough… and you stop wiping. Those things in your life that matter, blur. The blurs become shapes of something you still recognize but with the wiping gone, we can’t see anything. It’s just steam and it’s all around us. The steam starts to choke you and when you attempt to look for the mirror… it’s gone. You are now lost in a fog that keeps getting thicker and thicker. Eventually, you come to a choice… do you keep choking and wandering around in your fog? Or do you take the guaranteed way out? After enough self-torment… the choice makes itself and now you look for the HOW.
In our world, our heads, there is nothing left… save the personal hells we are in. Friends? Family? Happiness? Those are long gone… even though they may be LITERALLY sitting right next to us. You get to a point where you are just exhausted and don’t care anymore. Your life is muted, dulled, and utterly hopeless.
It’s an incredibly cold, lonely place to be and it’s a hell that was made by my mind, brick by brick. I don’t know if anyone really could have done anything or if it was completely on me to change anything but whatever it was that kept me from committing to the choice to end my life was… I'm glad I had it.
I have since been very open with nearly everyone about my mental health and feelings, especially my wife. She stuck it out with me, through the hardest of times and the blackest of nights. I wish I hadn't put her through such hell but I am glad she stayed with me.
If you are finding yourself in a dark place, maybe similar to what I was going through... remember that you are not alone, despite whatever you may be feeling. Finding a person to talk to, maybe a friend, family member, or medical professional can be the choice that saves your life.
Below are some resources for anyone in the first responder world who is struggling with their mental health. There are so many organizations, groups, and resources out there but YOU the individual has to do the leg work.
1) 22 Until None app. Lots of great resources for veterans and first responders.
2) Crew Care app. Mental health app for first responders.
3) Headspace app. This is a subscription service but I can’t recommend it enough. If you enjoy guided meditation… check it out.
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