Suicide Was an Option

“Being strong, not giving up, it was just his place to hide. He pushed away from the pain so hard he disconnected himself from the person he loved most. Sometimes when you win, you lose." - Chris Nielsen

My depression grew deeper and deeper because I kept digging. The work I had put into my denial and avoidance kept me going further than I ever realized. The things that mattered in my life started to lose importance and the people who were anchors for me weren’t able to help keep me in a healthy place anymore. 

Many people have difficulty understanding where or how depression takes the turn from just depression to suicidal depression. This is how it felt for me: 

Everything in your life is in a mirror. In the beginning, the mirror is clean and you can see everything. All your family, friends, hobbies, interests... they're all there in the mirror. As your mental health deteriorates, your depression is like steam and your mirror begins to fog. We can still make out shapes or features but things are blurred. We wipe the mirror and things are clear again (the wiping is our attempt to get better through therapy, hobbies, etc.) but then the steam creeps back in. So we go through the back and forth of steamed up, wipe, steam, wipe, steam, wipe. After enough wiping, you get tired but you’ll keep wiping. Time and wiping cumulate and there comes a point when you have had enough… and you stop wiping. Those things in your life that matter, blur. The blurs become shapes of something you still recognize but with the wiping gone, we can’t see anything. It’s just steam and it’s all around us. The steam starts to choke you and when you attempt to look for the mirror… it’s gone. You are now lost in a fog that keeps getting thicker and thicker. Eventually, you come to a choice… do you keep choking and wandering around in your fog? Or do you take the guaranteed way out? After enough self-torment… the choice makes itself and now you look for the HOW. 

In our world, our heads, there is nothing left… save the personal hells we are in. Friends? Family? Happiness? Those are long gone… even though they may be LITERALLY sitting right next to us. You get to a point where you are just exhausted and don’t care anymore. Your life is muted, dulled, and utterly hopeless.

It’s an incredibly cold, lonely place to be and it’s a hell that was made by my mind, brick by brick. I don’t know if anyone really could have done anything or if it was completely on me to change anything but whatever it was that kept me from committing to the choice to end my life was… I'm glad I had it. 

I have since been very open with nearly everyone about my mental health and feelings, especially my wife. She stuck it out with me, through the hardest of times and the blackest of nights. I wish I hadn't put her through such hell but I am glad she stayed with me. 

If you are finding yourself in a dark place, maybe similar to what I was going through... remember that you are not alone, despite whatever you may be feeling. Finding a person to talk to, maybe a friend, family member, or medical professional can be the choice that saves your life. 

Below are some resources for anyone in the first responder world who is struggling with their mental health. There are so many organizations, groups, and resources out there but YOU the individual has to do the leg work.

1) 22 Until None app. Lots of great resources for veterans and first responders.

2) Crew Care app. Mental health app for first responders.

3) Headspace app. This is a subscription service but I can’t recommend it enough. If you enjoy guided meditation… check it out. 

Moving on

I try to live in the present, in the now. I didn’t always live that way… I didn’t live that way for too long and it almost cost me my life. 

I’ve learned to put some things down because the weight of the memory is just too much. I won’t be missing out on any more family/friend experiences because I have issues that I won’t handle or take care of. It’s a lot easier said than done but I will share how I’m doing it.  

You’re going to sit down with yourself and have a real hard conversation. You have to ask yourself the hard questions:

1) Am I happy with myself?

2) Are others happy with me? For me?

3) Am I making anyone’s life better/worse?

4) Am I doing what I want to do? Or on the path to what I want?

5) Do I have any REAL problems? (Substance abuse, physical abuse, unhealthy addictions, etc.)

6) Am I willing to be receptive to outside suggestions or help?

7) Am I willing to be honest and vulnerable about myself, what I think, and how I feel?

These aren’t all the hard questions you could ask but they are the ones that I remember going through the most.

1) Am I happy with myself? This is a tough one but you have to be honest! Are you happy with YOU? The person you are in this moment? Not content, not accepting, not tolerating… happy. If not, there is room for improvement.

2) Are others happy with me? Do you cause fights? Create stress? Are others glad to see you and happy you are there? For me? Are friends and family proud of your station in life? Are they seeing positive lifestyle choices? 

3) Am I making anyone’s life harder? You might have to talk to the people in your life for this one. Have you made anyone’s life more difficult just being who you are? Is there added stress just by dealing with me? 

4) Am I doing what I want to do? Or on the path to what I want? Gut check. This question can run down limitless rabbit holes regarding work, hobbies, social life, activities, etc. Not everyone will find a “dream job”

5) Do I have any REAL problems? (Substance abuse, physical abuse, unhealthy addictions, etc.) Everyone copes. We have to sometimes but we need to work on having positive mechanisms in place, otherwise we make our situation worse. If you have substance abuse problems and want to get better, there are ways to do it. Include family and friends, they want you healthy and happy. If you have addiction issues (I did) you have to distance yourself from the situations that allow that behavior to thrive. It requires self discipline and work but it’s worth it. Getting that demon off your back is such a relief but you won’t realize it until your past it. Trust me.

6) Am I willing to be receptive to outside suggestions or help? I remember thinking “I’m good. I don’t NEED help. I don’t need someone dissecting me and telling me where I am broken. Truth is… a lot of times we DO. I went into this area very skeptical and doubtful but I was wrong. I wish I had just allowed myself to be vulnerable sooner because it may have avoided so many dark roads. To the people who say, “shrinks don’t know me” or “they won’t understand my job/culture”, that’s an excuse. They don’t have to… they understand the brain and how it works. Regardless of your life, job, or experiences, mental health professionals will find a way to reach common ground with you… if you let them.

7) Am I willing to be honest and vulnerable about myself, what I think, and how I feel? If you aren’t going to be honest… don’t waste anyone’s time. You can’t receive help if you are not willing to be honest with yourself. Make a better version of YOU and allow others to help you.  

It’s a hard road to hoe but it’s achievable. It requires real work and effort. There are no short cuts, no magic tricks, and no silver bullets. You will cry (that’s ok) scream (that’s ok) and want to give up but don’t, it’s an investment in your future.