Suicide Was an Option

“Being strong, not giving up, it was just his place to hide. He pushed away from the pain so hard he disconnected himself from the person he loved most. Sometimes when you win, you lose." - Chris Nielsen

My depression grew deeper and deeper because I kept digging. The work I had put into my denial and avoidance kept me going further than I ever realized. The things that mattered in my life started to lose importance and the people who were anchors for me weren’t able to help keep me in a healthy place anymore. 

Many people have difficulty understanding where or how depression takes the turn from just depression to suicidal depression. This is how it felt for me: 

Everything in your life is in a mirror. In the beginning, the mirror is clean and you can see everything. All your family, friends, hobbies, interests... they're all there in the mirror. As your mental health deteriorates, your depression is like steam and your mirror begins to fog. We can still make out shapes or features but things are blurred. We wipe the mirror and things are clear again (the wiping is our attempt to get better through therapy, hobbies, etc.) but then the steam creeps back in. So we go through the back and forth of steamed up, wipe, steam, wipe, steam, wipe. After enough wiping, you get tired but you’ll keep wiping. Time and wiping cumulate and there comes a point when you have had enough… and you stop wiping. Those things in your life that matter, blur. The blurs become shapes of something you still recognize but with the wiping gone, we can’t see anything. It’s just steam and it’s all around us. The steam starts to choke you and when you attempt to look for the mirror… it’s gone. You are now lost in a fog that keeps getting thicker and thicker. Eventually, you come to a choice… do you keep choking and wandering around in your fog? Or do you take the guaranteed way out? After enough self-torment… the choice makes itself and now you look for the HOW. 

In our world, our heads, there is nothing left… save the personal hells we are in. Friends? Family? Happiness? Those are long gone… even though they may be LITERALLY sitting right next to us. You get to a point where you are just exhausted and don’t care anymore. Your life is muted, dulled, and utterly hopeless.

It’s an incredibly cold, lonely place to be and it’s a hell that was made by my mind, brick by brick. I don’t know if anyone really could have done anything or if it was completely on me to change anything but whatever it was that kept me from committing to the choice to end my life was… I'm glad I had it. 

I have since been very open with nearly everyone about my mental health and feelings, especially my wife. She stuck it out with me, through the hardest of times and the blackest of nights. I wish I hadn't put her through such hell but I am glad she stayed with me. 

If you are finding yourself in a dark place, maybe similar to what I was going through... remember that you are not alone, despite whatever you may be feeling. Finding a person to talk to, maybe a friend, family member, or medical professional can be the choice that saves your life. 

Below are some resources for anyone in the first responder world who is struggling with their mental health. There are so many organizations, groups, and resources out there but YOU the individual has to do the leg work.

1) 22 Until None app. Lots of great resources for veterans and first responders.

2) Crew Care app. Mental health app for first responders.

3) Headspace app. This is a subscription service but I can’t recommend it enough. If you enjoy guided meditation… check it out. 

Moving on

I try to live in the present, in the now. I didn’t always live that way… I didn’t live that way for too long and it almost cost me my life. 

I’ve learned to put some things down because the weight of the memory is just too much. I won’t be missing out on any more family/friend experiences because I have issues that I won’t handle or take care of. It’s a lot easier said than done but I will share how I’m doing it.  

You’re going to sit down with yourself and have a real hard conversation. You have to ask yourself the hard questions:

1) Am I happy with myself?

2) Are others happy with me? For me?

3) Am I making anyone’s life better/worse?

4) Am I doing what I want to do? Or on the path to what I want?

5) Do I have any REAL problems? (Substance abuse, physical abuse, unhealthy addictions, etc.)

6) Am I willing to be receptive to outside suggestions or help?

7) Am I willing to be honest and vulnerable about myself, what I think, and how I feel?

These aren’t all the hard questions you could ask but they are the ones that I remember going through the most.

1) Am I happy with myself? This is a tough one but you have to be honest! Are you happy with YOU? The person you are in this moment? Not content, not accepting, not tolerating… happy. If not, there is room for improvement.

2) Are others happy with me? Do you cause fights? Create stress? Are others glad to see you and happy you are there? For me? Are friends and family proud of your station in life? Are they seeing positive lifestyle choices? 

3) Am I making anyone’s life harder? You might have to talk to the people in your life for this one. Have you made anyone’s life more difficult just being who you are? Is there added stress just by dealing with me? 

4) Am I doing what I want to do? Or on the path to what I want? Gut check. This question can run down limitless rabbit holes regarding work, hobbies, social life, activities, etc. Not everyone will find a “dream job”

5) Do I have any REAL problems? (Substance abuse, physical abuse, unhealthy addictions, etc.) Everyone copes. We have to sometimes but we need to work on having positive mechanisms in place, otherwise we make our situation worse. If you have substance abuse problems and want to get better, there are ways to do it. Include family and friends, they want you healthy and happy. If you have addiction issues (I did) you have to distance yourself from the situations that allow that behavior to thrive. It requires self discipline and work but it’s worth it. Getting that demon off your back is such a relief but you won’t realize it until your past it. Trust me.

6) Am I willing to be receptive to outside suggestions or help? I remember thinking “I’m good. I don’t NEED help. I don’t need someone dissecting me and telling me where I am broken. Truth is… a lot of times we DO. I went into this area very skeptical and doubtful but I was wrong. I wish I had just allowed myself to be vulnerable sooner because it may have avoided so many dark roads. To the people who say, “shrinks don’t know me” or “they won’t understand my job/culture”, that’s an excuse. They don’t have to… they understand the brain and how it works. Regardless of your life, job, or experiences, mental health professionals will find a way to reach common ground with you… if you let them.

7) Am I willing to be honest and vulnerable about myself, what I think, and how I feel? If you aren’t going to be honest… don’t waste anyone’s time. You can’t receive help if you are not willing to be honest with yourself. Make a better version of YOU and allow others to help you.  

It’s a hard road to hoe but it’s achievable. It requires real work and effort. There are no short cuts, no magic tricks, and no silver bullets. You will cry (that’s ok) scream (that’s ok) and want to give up but don’t, it’s an investment in your future. 

South Carolina Fire-Rescue Conference (Day 1)

 

I have had the pleasure of presenting my mental health class, “Disposable Heroes” at this years conference.

The overall vibe here is awesome and the people are great. My class went pretty well and I received good feedback from it. I have another class tomorrow and I am hoping for the same. The wife has started joining me, as she provides very important insight from the spouse/family angle. 

Met some really great vendors with really cool products… like activated charcoal soap for after fires or messy calls (who knew?). I was able to share some pictures of the pet oxygen masks in action to a rep that donates them to agencies. She was very pleased to see them in use. 

The food choices in Columbia are awesome. We have eaten at the 929 Kitchen, Kaminsky’s dessert cafe, Liberty Tap Room, Marble Slab Creamery, and Publico. They were all amazing!

A great day with my people…

Body pain and depression

My body hurts. It’s hurt for a long time. Most of the time, it’s not from an injury (most of the time) but it feels like it should be. Most of my joints, my back, my hips, my head... all of it. A line from Indiana Jones really resonates with me know...

“It’s not the years... it’s the mileage”

I have been rough on my body and it lets me know... everyday. 

What makes it worse though is the added aches from depression and anxiety. The worse I am feeling headspace-wise, the more physical pain I will have. Which often times results in a Ferris wheel of increasing depression, anxiety, and body pain.

Some days it all looms over me and I just let it saturate everything. Sometimes I just don’t have (or don’t want) the will to push back. 

What I would rather do is redirect that energy into something I enjoy. Something worth while and beneficial. That’s why I am really glad I found woodworking and archery. 

They both gave me a positive outlet for any emotion I may be having. Bad day? Put my issues on an arrow and SEND IT! Anxiety building up? Cut up some wood, sand it down, and put the nervous energy to work. 

They both give me time to process my thoughts, relax and regroup. I can’t stress the importance of having SOMETHING that gives you those things. It could be anything and who cares what it is? As long as it offers you some positive benefits... it’s awesome.

I still have pain but it’s not what it used to be when it stayed bottled up. Don’t keep things inside where they will break you down. Use them as fuel to make a better YOU!

Where is my Brown Form?

 **for this post, I will be referring to the "brown form". This is my departments injury documentation form. Each department has a different name or reference for this document.**

Every day we hear stories/reports of first responders taking their own lives. Its all the same... 

"What happened?", "Could this have been avoided?", "Why didn't he/she reach out?"

I think we are our own worst enemy and here is why... “Brown Forms”.

I have responded on calls where I injured my back and when I got back to the station I filled out a “Brown Form”.

My partner was assaulted by a patient... Brown Form.

A guy gets injured during PT... Brown Form.

We can document our physical injuries as much as we want but what about the emotionally/mentally damaging events? How do we document that?

Where's my Brown Form?

The countless traumatic fatalities we repond to... Where's my Brown Form?

The 100th time we have told an elderly man or woman that their spouse of 50+ years has died... Where's my Brown Form?

All the abused neglected children we transport... Where's my Brown Form?

Fact is, we have chosen to neglect the documentation of our mental well being. We have service records for equipment to document all the miles/hours of use and to justify repairs, upgrades, or replacements. We log all kinds of activities into Firehouse (or whatever state/locality required documenting program) to track our performance but is there a code for logging mental well being? No, there isn't. 

Who is to blame? We all are. We have allowed this to happen and will continue to allow this to happen. Why? Because we (as an industry) are scared of the unfamiliar dark waters that lie ahead. Its easier to stay in the "always did it this way" world. 

Thats fine. We have a work around for this and its called personal responsibility. 

There is no program, workshop, or accredidation that you can achieve that will fix our industries mental well being. We have to step up and handle this individually. 

When I was in the Army, I didn't have someone who held my hand or pushed me into the Division mental health clinic to assess my issues. They Army didn't care... and why should it. It doesn't have the means or resources to evaluate EVERY individual on a regular basis to determine mental wellness. If I don't say anything, they assume I am fine. It's MY responsibility to take charge of my health. I have to be the one to go to my physician and discuss my issues and concerns. It my responsibility to seek help. Not my spouses, not my officers, not my departments... MINE. 

The localities we work for or volunteer for do not have the means to give us what I received from the Government. There is no state “Veterans Affairs” for first responders... Maybe one day. We have state disability but its different so we have to do the foot work ourselves and I believe that my health is worth the effort. 

Do you?

Now, let me say this... I am NOT saying all the programs we have in place are worthless or a waste of time. What I am trying to say is WE AS THE INDIVIDUALS who may need help cannot and must not expect for the mental wellness programs to come to our rescue like the calvary. I have been there and it is fucking miserable. When a person gets to the point of seriously considering suicide, its almost too late. That person is in such a deep place... It's hard to get out. For me, that place was so isolated, so cold, so frightning, I couldn't see any other way out. No program can teach someone what to say that will provide a light. The outsiders words fall on deaf ears. It was ME that chose to give life another go. Not a class, or a friends words, or even my wifes. I chose to stand up again, after the overwhelming abuse that my mind had inflicted on ME. We need to push the INDIVIDUALS to recognize that they have the power to stand up and say "not today". We have to empower individuals to believe in themselves and learn to fight for their lives. We ARE in this together... But only if we allow each other in.

"When you replace I with WE even ILLNESS becomes WELLNESS."

My minds illustrations

Dreaming is something we do our entire lives (I imagine). I heard somewhere that dreams are what keep our brain from eating itself. I don’t know if it’s that severe but I’m sure it keeps the brain entertained while we sleep. I know I am not alone but if I kept track of the emotional “theme” to my dreams, they would trend to the negative side. I’m not saying they are all nightmares, death, plague, or sadness (we all have those) but for as long as I can remember, my dreams have been... different.

I have a reoccurring dream that only comes up when I am getting sick. It has been the exact same since I was a kid and when it happens I know that my illness check is in the mail. It starts with a girl who looks a lot like Alice and she is walking through a field of yellow flowers. She finds a very large boulder and when she is right next to it... it turns into a rock monster with red eyes and a throat of fire and it swallows her. The rest of the dream is the girl falling in a well like cave and it is illuminated with red and orange light. That’s it! 100% chance I am getting sick. 

My pre-sickness dream.

There have been so many other weird dreams over the course of my life. As a child, I had legit nightmares... monsters, aliens, if it was a scary movie, I dreamed of it. As an adult, my “nightmares” aren’t scary... they are stressful. Missions from my previous job that COULD have gone in a different direction. Actions in my current job that could have been worse. Near misses from numerous points in my life and all the little things that my brain dissects and rehashes too many times over. My subconscious entertainment only adds to the anxiety I have everyday. Going to bed became an anxiety inducing mess, so I had to figure out how to stop this Ferris wheel of anxiety and stress.

I researched ways to improve sleep and here is what I came up with:

1. Move any (or all) electronics away from your sleeping space. I HAVE to have my cell phone for an alarm clock but I keep it away from my bed.

2. Get some kind of regular exercise (walking, running, yoga, CrossFit, weights, etc). 

3. Try meditation. I use guided meditation and there are several apps that are very good.

4. Read. It helps calm the mind. I wish I did more but I am a very picky reader. 

My dreams have dominated the quality (and sometimes duration) of my sleep. I wish I could say, “do this and it’s fixed” but it’s not that easy. There are no silver bullets. It requires work, discipline, trial and error. I’m still learning and trying things. Dreaming is something that we all do and will all do our entire lives... I just hope mine do not haunt me forever.

I try (emphasis on try) to keep my dreams from affecting my mental state for the day. Sometimes I can let it go, sometimes I think about it throughout the day. I have found that if I talk about my dreams to someone, I find that I’m not alone and that I feel better afterwards.

Hobbies are like therapy but fun

 If you're like me, you need something to occupy your time with. I have a real hard time just sitting still and doing nothing. I would be much happier just tinkering around in my garage than doing absolutely nothing (unless I can sleep). For many of us, we sometimes lose ourselves, our individuality within our career. I saw the same thing when I was in the Army. You could ask anyone, "What are you?" and the replies would be professions or job specialty. I became very wrapped in my identity as a medic and loved everything about it. When I got out, there were serious separation anxiety issues that took me a long time to overcome. I wasn't a medic anymore or a soldier or any of the things that I thought I had become during my enlistment. I was back to being another guy in the world. I tried to force my old life onto my new one and the result was a disgruntled veteran, which nobody likes and eventually, I didn't either. I had to change something in my life that would change me. 

I started rucking (walking with a weighted backpack). It was something from my old life that I still enjoyed. It got me outside and kept me active but it also allowed me to keep a foot in that old world. I had difficulty separating the parts that I liked from the whole and I kept many habits I didn't need anymore. It wasn't until I started to really let go of my old life, my Army life, and live in the moment and not the past. For me, growth wasn't progressing the way I wanted it to because I was trying to drag my past along with me. 

I kept rucking but I rounded the edges on it and got more people involved with me. Bringing in people from outside my "bubble" forced me to change, to adapt, to grow. I realized that I needed more than just rucking though, I needed to start evolving myself. 

So I started getting better with my cooking skills, got back into art projects, and started experimenting with woodworking. My kids were in scouts and that got me outdoors, even more, hiking, camping, and just learning to relax. I started working out so I could do my job better and more efficiently, all while making myself healthier. My newest interest in archery has become my favorite extra thing to do. There is so much that it offers me that nothing else has been able to. It's a form of meditation for me, a place where I can focus my energy and thoughts on singular things and calm down. I can release stress and negative emotions and when I am done shooting, I feel so much better. 

So I hope you have something that you do that brings you happiness and peace. It doesn't really matter what it is, it's what you get out of it that matters. If you haven't found your thing yet, don't give up. Keep trying new things and maybe even relearning old ones, you never know what is going to strike your interest. Invest in yourself and your well being... you're worth it. 

Living life like you drive

 A lot of times, people tend to dwell on past events or circumstances... a lot. I know I am guilty of this on more than one occasion. It's human nature to do that, I guess, but there are times when this isn't good for us. When we live through a traumatic event(s) that have a severe impact on our life, it's hard to not constantly look back on it. Maybe it wasn't a traumatic event but rather a stage of our lives that was very significant. For me, it would be my time in the Army. I loved what I did and I enjoyed being deployed but it took its toll on me. I found myself reliving past experiences or always talking about "back in the day" or "no shit, there I was" events. There is a time and a place for those things but all the time and everyday is not it. Living in the past diminishes our future.

Next time you drive, take a second and look at the size relationship between your windshield and your rear view mirror. The windshield is significantly larger than the rear view and that is how we should live our lives... looking forward. Occasionally, we look into the rear view and that's ok but if we live in the rear view, accidents can happen. Accidents in the form of things like relationship problems, personal problems, financial issues, more trauma that we don't need.

Be proud of what you have gone through and share it with others when the time is right but don't live in it. You've already made the choices or the choices were made for you but you can't change them now. Don't let the past dictate your future... after all, you're the one driving.