Monsters are real… they live inside of us and sometimes, they win.

This post was started in 2022.

It’s hard not to feel like all I do is get knocked down. We’ve all heard the  “get back up” variations to different hard scenarios in life.  Where are the words of wisdom when you are tired of getting back up? Most people experience setbacks or changes that cause stress and emotional lows and they deal with it or they don’t. They adapt or they don’t. What about the “don’t” people? The people who are just tired. Tired of picking themselves up and brushing themselves off. Tired of being beat down. Tired of being tired. 

It’s real. The feelings of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion are real. These are things I deal with every day and it has become commonplace.

There are (many) days that I wake up and think, “fuck… I woke up”. I get up, get my shot together, and get on with the day. Like Everlast said, “that's how I'm living, that's how it goes”, one day at a time. Tomorrow is tomorrows problem and there isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do about tomorrow. 

So my ship drifts on… on the ocean that is my life and I try to enjoy the good days and survive the bad, one day at a time. 

The Power of Help

 

There was a time when I thought I could handle my mental health issues. I knew myself (or thought I did) and I could deal with my own problems.

Wrong.

My hubris kept me from embracing all the amazing parts of a healthy recovery. I pushed away my wife, family, friends, and medical professionals. I didn’t need someone to tell me how to take care of ME! 

They say the male frontal lobe doesn't reach full maturity until 25 years of age... But it might be longer in some.

So I was resistant. Resistant to talk, resistant to listen, resistant to suggestions, resistant to avenues of help I have never recovered... Because I was too proud. 

Proud of what? That I was a man? That I was a military veteran? A war veteran? A firefighter? Excuses. Every last one. 

I was afraid. Afraid of what I knew but more afraid of what I did't know.

It only took years of personal abuse (denial, depression, drugs, and alcohol), abusing those in my life (emotional and mental), and nearly taking my own life to realize my issues were bigger than I could handle.

I started by talking with my wife, which allowed me to be honest and vulnerable. I always felt there was a negative association with vulnerability but it couldn't be further from the truth. It allows you to be honest and understanding.

Conversations led to options that continued to open and branch out. I learned it was ok to not like everything I tried. It was part of the process and part of the healing. 

Part of me wishes I could go back and make changes and better choices... But I wouldn't be who I am today. I made it a lot harder than it needed to be. 

Believe me, it's harder to be stubborn and push everything away. Be better than I was... Choose a better path.

I’m broken

I’ve been there. A lot of us may have been there. Many of us may still be there. 

It’s ok to not be ok.

I’ve seen that saying a lot and I want to unpack why I think it’s true.

Whatever you have going on in your life… family, friends, coworkers, fill in the blank… they can and will add stress to your life. Most of the time, those stressors are their own separate “bubble” and we can have several existing at the same time. 

Sometimes, those bubbles touch and merge, creating a new environment where the stressors amplify each other. If we have the right mental tools, we can separate them but it is something we have to know how to do. It can be learned.

If we allow these new bubbles to continue, they will merge with other stressors and continue to compound their stress. This is where breaks happen.  

Everyone is different and what may produce a great deal of stress on me could have minimal effect on you. Perhaps you have fewer stressors in your life but their volume may be greater.

Person “A” can work two jobs, over tasked in both, have a spouse and children at home, youth sports, and a broken stove. That’s a lot of stress.

Person “B” could be a stay at home parent with a special needs child. 

Is one scenario more stressful than the other? No. They are unique circumstances and how the person handles that stress is their own. Both could lead to serious issues with mental health. Both might not. 

The ability to recognize that you are treading water with your mental health is a big first step. Making that next step is even greater. Talking with someone (health care provider, spouse, friend, coworker) is a great way to relieve some of the internal pressure you may be feeling. That one conversation might be enough but it probably isn’t. 

Have the uncomfortable conversations. Realize that not being ok… really is ok. We have feelings, emotions, wants, and needs. If we allow something to fester and grow, it could lead to dangerous outcomes.

Better Tech, Better Sleep Pt. 3

(Continued from Part 2)

Our amazing tech is hijacking our sleep but we can flip that on its head.

The hardest part will be NO SCREEN TIME AN HOUR BEFORE BED. Good luck. It’s a struggle and I’m not above failing at this. My social media feed that is full of people jacking themselves up, puppies, and memes… it’s so enjoyable but I try and that’s all we can do.

When I took the 62Romeo sleep class, I was told to make my bedroom a sleep dojo and that’s what I did. No TV, phone gets plugged in out of reach and on “Do not disturb”. I try to block as much light as possible… I even have an eye mask for when I HAVE to get rest. Try to eliminate as much light and tech as possible. Your bedroom should be for two things… sleep and sex. That’s it. If you do this, your brain will start associating it with those things and will be primed to do one (or both) of those things.

Try breathing exercises. There are a lot of great apps (I know, it’s violating the “no tech” rule but this is very limited and you’ll learn them and ditch the phone quick). Breathing exercises will help slow your heart rate and calm you down, which will help you stay asleep.

Try a smart alarm clock like the Hatch Restore (I’m not promoting just this one but it’s what I have). There are a bunch of similar types and I’m sure they will offer similar results. What I like about this clock is I can schedule a “sleep routine” that helps me relax and get ready for sleep. It has a bunch of light options but I schedule mine to give me 30 minutes of red light while I do my breathing exercises and then the light goes out (no clock face/time shown) and it plays white noise (my fav is the dishwasher). If I have an alarm set for the next morning, it gradually increases the white/blue light I have set until my time and then it plays nice, melodic music to wake me up. I really like it when the light wakes me up before the sound… it’s way less jarring. 

So I don’t have an alarm clock that scares the piss out of me, like our alert tones do at work. Good. Now I’m going to need out on you. I like to know exactly how I’m sleeping. So I have a Whoop strap to track… everything but primarily I got it for my sleep. 

I also use a Withings Sleep Mat and between the two, I get a pretty good idea of how I actually slept.

I can see how I’m sleeping, how I’m recovering, are the night time rituals I’m doing actually doing ANYTHING?!?! You can get similar results off a Fitbit, Apple Watch, Garmin Watches, probably any smart watch. My point is, having DATA to show you how your sleep is, paired with how you are feeling could help you out. 

So there it is… my thoughts on tech for helping sleep and how to avoid it hurting you. Last thought, if you just CANNOT avoid using a device before bed, perhaps invest in some blue light blocking glasses or screen covers. These have been shown to be better than nothing and the settings on most devices can’t really eliminate ALL blue light.

Happy Sleeping!!

Better Tech, Better Sleep Pt. 2

 (Continued from Part 1)

The human body is an amazing thing but through our evolution and technology progression, we have “interrupted” some of the basic functions needed for good sleep.

First, check out this study and do a little google dive into some of the information to get a better understanding of what os coming next.

Smarty pants sleep study.

So in a nutshell... Our eyes have RODS and CONES. Most of our cones (~64%) are red-sensitive which through evolution are a HUGE reason why our ancestors associated the end of the day (sunset) with sleep. There's a lot of science that is in that statement but that's the gist. We see the red sky, the red color is hitting our red cones, the comes tell our brain that sleep is coming, brain drips melatonin which helps us wind down and go to sleep. 

**PSA-Melatonin doesn't make you fall asleep. It just tells your body, “hey... You should go to sleep”. You also need to take it about 3-4 hours before you want to go to bed. Look it up.**

This worked for a long time. Then came the light bulb and sleep was ruined forever. Now we can stay awake all night and work in places we couldn't before. Yay!

So technology has brought us to amazing places... Like this blog. Unfortunately, the light emitted by most screens and lights has a wavelength that stimulates the blue-sensitive cones in our eyes. Guess what? The light can go through our eyelids! This stimulation supersedes the red-sensitive response and makes us either stay awake or wakes us up in the morning (sunrise). 

Sunrise vs Sunset

So that’s why you read things like “no devices an hour before bed”. They disrupt your brains signals to GO TO SLEEP!

So what do we do? I’ll tell you what we do… we use the same tech that keeps us awake, to make us fall asleep. I’ll share what I’m using and what’s out there in the finale… PART III!!

(Continued…)

Better Tech, Better Sleep Pt. 1

**I’m gonna split this post into 2-3 posts because it might be a lot of content.**

I have been on a mission, a quest of sorts, in pursuit of better sleep. I feel that many of my issues (sure I'm not alone) are/were rooted in poor sleep hygiene.

This will be a multi-post series on my sleep journey.

I don't think I had sleep issues growing up. Sleep was always something that just happened and was routine. In high school, it had a shift to being awake most of the night and sleeping all day... Typical teenager stuff.

Then came the military, where sleep was critical and sought after. Sleep deprivation was a tactic used to create stress and it worked. Every day was physically and mentally exhausting and there just was not enough time for more sleep. 

*Insert deployment rotation*

Traveling through time zones is hard on anyone. Throw in night ops, guard duty, medical rotations, and compound attacks... Well, it gets crazy quickly. We get used to it, get into a rhythm, and make it work. 

*Redeploy home*

No processing time. No adjustment period. We try to re-integrate but it's hard. Even with our train up cycle... It's difficult to find that rhythm. 

*Deployment rotation*

Now add in IEDs and more gunfights. 

*Redeploy home*

Sleep is trash. It's making home life hell but I don't know where to start to fix it. 

*Deployment rotation*

We’re gonna substitute the gunfights with abuse patients and trauma injuries. Burn wound debridement, minor surgery, and a mass casualty event. Let that bounce around between the ears, then...

*Redeploy home*

I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm culturally disoriented. 

I can't sleep... And when I can, I don't want to because of the nightmares. So I drink more, which makes my sleep worse. I'm more tired, and angrier. This cycle self-perpetuates into a life-altering event.

Where could I have changed? Done something differently? 

It could have started with recognizing that my sleep was no longer in sync with my daily demands. I was running on minimal restorative sleep and building a large sleep debt… but I didn’t have to have it that way.

Sleep is simple. It’s fairly black’ish and white’ish. It’s either good sleep or it’s not good sleep. So let’s break it down…

(Continued in Part 2…)

Choosing Change Part 1

Change is something that most of us have some level of difficulty with. The fear of the unknown or fear of failure is common with many of us and it can inhibit our chances for healthy growth. 

When I decided to give my mental health a real chance, it was hard. Real hard. Hell, there are a lot of times when it is STILL hard but that is the price of improvement. Navigating the world of mental health is a lot like learning a new skill or hobby. Aside from the anomalies who are naturally good at everything they touch, most people are going to stumble in the beginning. Sometimes you trip and sometimes you fall but you have to get back up and keep going. 

I was tired of dealing with the constellation of issues that made my poor mental health. Each one, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, paranoia, and so many others might be handled on their own, individually... but when a few all are going on at the same time, that's too much. I tried my best to manage them all without any outside help but I couldn't do it. The mental and physical exhaustion that came with the mental gymnastics I was doing was a detriment to my health.

I started with an honest conversation with my wife and my doctor. I told them everything that I was feeling, thinking, and doing. I expressed my desire to get better and that I was ready to put in the work. 

I started with laying out all my emotions and thoughts. Everything was being taken down to its most basic level. Each issue (sleeping, anxiety, etc) was handled independently unless the overlap was beneficial. I never thought about how hard it would be to talk about ME. I felt like I was being judged or compared to other people but it was just my mind reeling about being so open. It made me mad, real mad. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, just at how I allowed myself to get to this point. 

It was going to be a tough row to hoe...